Sunday, October 9, 2011

Interlude: Admitting Defeat

I should be blogging my trip to Portland. I took it. Eventually I’ll get it on the page. But for the last couple of weeks something’s been eating at me and I’ve had a hell of a time trying to articulate it, and I think I finally can, so I’d like to just put it out there.

One of the reasons I started the Project as a purely anonymous pursuit was that I didn’t want to be getting comments from the peanut gallery that is my real life. The people I see on a daily or weekly basis and have a constant line of communication with. However, the more encouragement I got when discussing outside of the blog what I was doing, the more I thought it would be okay. I opened it up to a few people. I’m happy to say that while I don’t have a huge number of readers, that the readers I don’t know outweigh the ones I do, but it is still true that my closest friends read along with my attempts here.

These friends have also been along for the developing relationship between myself and the man I spoke about here. Chris lives in London, 4,772 miles from where I live. I met him online quite by accident.

That’s right, I said “relationship”.

The peanut gallery has had a lot of things to say about what I’m doing, about both Chris and the Project. The reason I publicized the blog was to develop a sense of accountability for my actions, so I welcome the feedback, but now I’m stuck in a conundrum of sorts, and it’s creating an internal conflict that is keeping me up at night.

You see, I am trapped on the one side by people who tease me for thinking of Chris as a relationship. I’ve never met Chris in person, he lives thousands of miles away, and he and I have grown very, very close. It can’t be *real*, of course, it can’t be substantial. How could it be? We’ve never been in the same room together. All we have is our hours of days of weeks of months of video-chats, our emails, our letters, the packages we’ve sent; and all of it can be discounted because the rest of it can boiled down to the simplest of terms: if there is no physical relationship, there is no relationship. Eyebrows raised, heads shaken. We’re ridiculous nerds.

More often than not, I am simply humored in regards to him, as though I am a teenager and he is a passing phase that I’ll grow out of in a couple of months when a “real” relationship comes along. I’ve heard it all. That he just seems romantic and exciting because he’s from another country, has an accent, and when that wears off so will my feelings. That everyone *seems* to have a lot in common in the beginning, and that I’m over-exaggerating the connection because I’m so desperate to be paired. And despite the many times I’ve rejected men with money, even while struggling and on welfare, because I knew I would never fall in love with them and be intimately connected with them, it has been insinuated that I just want to hurry up and settle down because I’m sick of being broke. I’m not here to argue against these points, and I won’t plead my case. You either trust my judgment or you don’t. All I’m doing is bringing you to my next point:

I find it ironic to be trapped on the other side by the same people who are implying that our relationship isn’t “real” reminding me that being in a relationship means that I’ve failed yet again. The relationship isn’t real, but none-the-less it constitutes a failure.

Well, I’d agree with that second bit. I have failed. The point of the Project was one thing: stay single for 6 months. I didn’t do this.

I don’t know how long I managed it, really. I remember reaching 3 months and saying out loud to myself “This is the longest I have been single since I was fifteen years old.” I was proud. To be honest, I’ve been proud of myself quite a bit, even once my relationship with Chris became more serious, because I still felt like I was making progress. Something happened recently that wiped that smug pride off of my face, though.

I’ll start by saying that my boss is a terrible judge of appropriateness. A carrier rep came in recently and despite having told my boss on multiple occasions not to discuss the Project, or in fact my personal relationships (he’s fallen into the trap of “not shutting the hell up” twice previously) with anyone, he did so anyway. The rep went on to agree with my boss that I was in fact “in a relationship”, and that I had in fact failed at the Project and may as well abandon it. Neither stopped for a moment to consider that perhaps I would be sensitive about any of it; that perhaps I would be hurt by the implication that I had yet again failed miserably.  In fact they got a good laugh out of it, while I tried to smile politely and take it in good humor. The rep even went so far as to ask me how sexuality factored into my online delusion – what was I showing this guy during our video-chats, anyway? Harharhar. It’s all a joke.

I went home that night and cried. I told Chris what had happened and shook my head in defeat. I told him that our relationship, one of love, support, tenderness and understanding, was just another miserable failure on my part. I was just repeating the same patterns, falling into the same traps. I had somehow ended up not only in another relationship, but in a relationship whose only ending can be marriage if he is to live in the same country as me. I had not only gone back to what I was comfortable with, I was going to take it further and faster than any relationship in my past. It screamed rebound, didn’t it?

It had all made sense as it was happening. I hadn’t gone searching for Chris, he had simply appeared. I hadn’t been seeking out a relationship, I had slowly and somehow effortless just woken up in one. At some point, with no suddenness whatsoever, I had woken up one day in love. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t aspire to it. I had met a person with like interests who I wanted to talk to. I talked to him more, uncovered more about him that I could understand and relate to. One day I realized I missed him when he wasn’t there, and the next day he was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. I didn’t *try* to fall in love with him, I didn’t set out to be in love. After days and weeks and hours and hours of long conversations and communications and face to face talks long into the night, I was staring into the face not of a stranger on another continent, but of a kindred soul that I could no longer imagine not having in my life. Do with that what you will, I suppose.

 You can imagine Chris’ reaction to being told that a relationship he held so close was naught but a failure. I can’t imagine the hurt I inflicted by suggesting that to him. The poor thing, in his hurt, did nothing but try to comfort *me*, which looking back on it is horrible. Trying to remind me that our relationship is sweet, and special, and loving; that it is in fact real despite naysayers voicing to the contrary. How difficult that must have been considering there had to be some voice of doubt planted in his mind at that point – am I just another in a long line of her mistakes? Is the way she feels for me just another grasp at not being alone anymore?

Perhaps the Project is just a farce now. It probably is. After all, the whole point was for me to stay single for just 6 short months, and I didn’t do it. I fell short. I don’t know how far I made it because I’m not really sure what day it was that I realized I was in love with Chris. I’m not sure when we rounded that corner from friends to sweethearts. In the end, it doesn’t matter, does it? I didn’t achieve what I set out to achieve. The rest is just grasping at straws – at weak rationalizations.

Still, I believe I’ve gained a lot from the Project none-the-less. I’ve come so far since June. I don’t even notice the time I’m alone in my house anymore. I don’t notice my being alone at restaurants. I don’t wrestle with my independence the way that I once did. I feel a value in myself that I didn’t really have a grasp on before. I’m going to keep doing the Steps, even if they’re a lie, because even if I’ve failed in the war, I believe I can still win some of these battles.

I publicized the Project to gain some accountability, but it didn’t really work. I didn’t follow through, and now the feedback I’m getting is to call it a loss and I don’t think I’ll listen to that either. I don’t think I’ll quit. And I don’t think I’ll call it a loss, for that matter. I gained a lot in the journey, even if I never reached the destination. I am still building my ship, even if I already have a passenger. I hope he stays with me through the storms, but if he doesn’t, my ship will still be strong. It is my ship, and I am its captain.

10 comments:

  1. I apologize in advance for any swear words that are about to appear on the screen. There's my disclaimer.

    Now, that being said, FUCK them. Seriously. Fuck anyone who says you failed. Fuck them in their stupid, smug faces. The purpose I saw in this project was you learning to live with you. It meant being happy in your alone moments and learning to enjoy those times without wishing you had a man or a crew around you. Mission accomplished and mission ongoing. The numbers are arbitrary. Whether you're single for 3 months or 3 years, if you accomplished your emotional and spiritual goals, THAT is what matters, not some point on a timeline.

    Now, phase two... To anyone who says you and Chris don't have a "real" relationship, again, I say FUCK them in their clueless stupid faces. First of all, they probably don't understand it because they've never had that kind of connection with anyone. I dare anyone to tell me that any friend I have met online isn't a "real" friend--you, fictionistia, etc. Meeting face-to-face is just a step in the process, not the deciding factor in a friendship or a relationship.

    I met Mr. D one week after I left my ex. SEVEN days, and I almost fucked it up because I thought it was "too soon" and I "hadn't been single long enough." So say I had listened to that bullshit in my head and gone with my mandatory waiting period (which was supposed to be a year for me), I would have missed the man who is the peanutbutter to my cheese, the father of an amazing daughter, and my solid rock during the hard times. I have NO doubt in my mind that I would not find what I have with him with anyone else. What if Chris is that person for you? And even if he's not, what fucking business is it of anyone's?

    We go through our lives making rules for ourselves that oftentimes don't make sense. Whether we keep them or whether we alter them, the thing is, they are OUR rules--not the boss', not our parents', not our friends'. Now, to end my tirade, here is a quote my cousin sent me last week:

    "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

    Be one of those people out there sailing. Don't be one of the assholes sitting on the dock talking about how much better your nautical methods are--in theory.

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  2. I'm not even 1/4 through the blog yet, but I have to chime in already with something (and a quick, quick glance at Daisy's comment makes me think we have much of the same to say...).

    "I’ve never met Chris in person, he lives thousands of miles away, and he and I have grown very, very close. It can’t be *real*, of course, it can’t be substantial. How could it be? We’ve never been in the same room together."

    A) I have not actually been here to read in a really long time, so I am going to venture to say I am NOT one of the peanut gallery, although I kinda consider myself a "friend." But I am an imaginary one, lol, just like Chris.

    B) I am living proof that online relationships are very, very real, and can have very, very real results, and are indeed relationships. Period. So, it is real. It is a relationship, and it's nonsense, complete and total, for anyone to say otherwise.

    Okay. Now I can proceed with the rest of the blog. I just really had to get that out there before I read more, lol. :)

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  3. "Well, I’d agree with that second bit. I have failed. The point of the Project was one thing: stay single for 6 months. I didn’t do this.

    I don’t know how long I managed it, really. I remember reaching 3 months and saying out loud to myself “This is the longest I have been single since I was fifteen years old.”"


    Meeeeaaaahhhhhhh. That was me kinda emitting a sound that is something like "maayyyyybeeee yeahhhh."

    Look.

    (sorry, this is going to be a several-comments-from-me post, I think)

    If indeed this is the longest you have gone since you were 15 (and you are what, 33 now?), then that is PROGRESS. As they say in most "programs": progress, not perfection. You made it the longest between relationships in your adult life, and that is not nothing. And this is not "all OR nothing." You have something there, and in my book, that is NOT failure. It's progress.

    Okay, continuing. I hope that I don't get my comment privileges revoked for making too many!! I'll try to just combo everything in one more, if I can.
    xx
    K

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  4. Crap-o-rama. I have a long final comment that it's not letting me post. Either there are too many, or it is too long, or something. I know how to find you, though :) I'll send the reply to you somewhere, mmmkay?

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  5. Let's see if I can do this.
    Part One

    "The rep went on to agree with my boss that I was in fact “in a relationship” (which didn’t stop them from spending the better part of an hour making fun of said relationship because it is internet based and therefore couldn’t be real), and that I had in fact failed at the Project and may as well abandon it. Neither stopped for a moment to consider that perhaps I would be sensitive about any of it; that perhaps I would be hurt by the implication that I had yet again failed miserably. In fact they got a good laugh out of it, while I tried to smile politely and take it in good humor."

    I want to SMACK them!!!!!!!! HARD!!!! ARGH. This is really fucking frustrating to read. Thing about this, though: they are clearly triggering you -- triggering some deep-seated core issues you have with failure, and what that means for you as a person.

    I think everything is somewhere in the middle. They (hopefully) did not really mean to hurt you & did not realize they were doing so. I HOPE SO. As for you, this is an area of great sensitivity for you, and so when it gets triggered, it brings up all those feelings of shame inside of you. This is *going* to happen when you are trying to recover from love addiction (which is really what we are talking about here).

    So what do YOU really think? Have you relapsed? If you have, does this mean you should quit the project?

    In fact, you are in a relationship with someone who is far away, and this could be IDEAL for you in still reaching the goal of taking care of yourself and learning to be on your own and do things by yourself, but with a little added comfort of having someone in your life that is making you feel worthy.

    Fact is that you still have to take care of YOU on a day-to-day basis because this is not someone who is physically present in your geographical area.

    It seems to me a very natural evolution of this entire process that you would choose someone who is geographically distant as a nice transition into learning to take care of yourself.

    But does this relationship mutually exclude not doing the Project? I think not. I think that you can stay committed to doing the Project while in this relationship. This relationship, being what it is, could really help you find some healthy boundaries! The thing is to NOT QUIT THE PROJECT.

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  6. So far, so good!! The sheer number of comments here is cracking me up, now, lol.

    Part Two
    Okay -- here's the thing. I think you are doing something called "splitting" here, which is looking at things as "all or nothing." That's kind of what is here: " I told him that our relationship, one of love, support, tenderness and understanding, was just another miserable failure on my part. I was just repeating the same patterns, falling into the same traps. I had somehow ended up not only in another relationship, but in a relationship whose only ending can be marriage if he is to live in the same country as me. I had not only gone back to what I was comfortable with, I was going to take it further and faster than any relationship in my past. It screamed rebound, didn’t it?"

    No, it is not screaming "rebound" -- not totally, and for the reasons I put up above.

    No, you were not looking for this, per se, but I do think there could have been some unconscious drawing of someone like Chris, someone who is geographically distant and yet emotionally available. BUT THIS IS STILL PROGRESS.

    D'ya see what I am getting at?

    I think the key is to keep doing the Project, WHILE you are in this particular relationship. In fact, I think it is *critical* that you do so!!! Don't give up on it, don't give up on you!

    "Perhaps the Project is just a farce now. It probably is." NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    Okay, sorry, I am freaking out here a little bit, because of the "splitting" part. (The "black and white," "all or nothing" thinking.)

    Okay, if I say nothing else, can you see that I think you can have BOTH the relationship AND the Project, and that nothing is lost? That perhaps this is the *perfect* relationship in which to be trying this out?

    What I see is this: sometimes quitting an addiction means that we need to still have some kind of interim substance to help us quit the one thing. Then we can move on to quitting the others in good time. I am in NO WAY insinuating that Chris is an addiction or that he is a substance with which you are addicted, but what I am saying is that perhaps this is a gentler, kinder way of helping yourself than just going cold-turkey after an adult lifetime of being in relationships. He lives far away, so you STILL have to take care of YOU in the place where you live. Make sense? What I would *not* do is make any hard or fast plans for you to live in proximity until you are a little stronger inside of you & taking care of yourself. I see this as a great transition and a way to practice good boundaries.

    Bottom Line: KEEP DOING THE FREAKIN' PROJECT ALREADY!!! Don't give it up!! Just because you are in a relationship, a long distance one, does not invalidate the Project! Keep it up!!!!

    And I only shout this because I seriously adore you and I really want you to be HAPPY and SUCCESSFUL and living life to the fullest. I hope that you feel and know this, and feel me cheering you on every step of the way!!! :)

    And I hope you don't freak out at my freaking out. I think I am having my triggers pushed because I know *exactly* what this is, and how much you need to keep doing it for you. I have been here. In many ways I am STILL here. So I totally get it.

    Just don't give up the damn Project! DO BOTH.

    That is all. :)

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  7. Well, I wasn't expecting so heated a reaction. Let me put a couple of things out there:

    1) my boss reads this blog on occasion.

    2) I don't mean to imply that my boss, or the rep, intended to be hurtful in any way. It was a sort of male obliviousness to the sensitivity inherent in the subject. My boss IS a genuinely good guy. Obviously I believe this, or I wouldn't have told him about any of this to begin with. He is just not always a good judge of tact, and he seems to be having some issues understanding "Don't tell people about this. Or my relationships. Or my break ups." Perhaps this reaction will cause him to take it more seriously?

    3) I really do appreciate the support. There are a LOT of differing opinions on this. I have to go with my gut on it. I guess my (somewhat naive) hope is that once my decision is made that I won't get a lot of eye rolling and head shaking but I'm just not sure that's going to be the case.

    4) I think some of the issue here is with people who have never started a relationship or friendship online. People who are a bit technological impaired and can't understand social networking to be something beyond a place to post pictures of their kids and statuses about what they had for dinner. How can they possibly understand creating a connection that way?

    Anyway, as I said in the blog, I'm not giving up. I'm trying to win the battles if not the war. I'll be blogging my trip to Portland very soon, and I have a pretty big Step in store for myself this weekend as well.

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  8. "Anyway, as I said in the blog, I'm not giving up."

    YAY!!!!! That's pretty much all I want out of all of the above. (see: part about my being triggered, too, lol)

    And yeah, I think Dais and I are rather protective of you, so, um, Jennifer's Boss, if you are reading this, it is nothing against you (see part up there about how I hope things & feel things were not meant to be hurtful). :)

    "How can they possibly understand creating a connection that way?"

    Very true. Obviously, I have experienced this in my life, too & it is really hard to communicate the legitimacy of online relationships to those who have not experienced them in the depth that some have. Especially when it comes to friends I've known only online for going on six years now (*ahem*) and with whom I feel very protective. ;-) It *is* unique, and only those who have experienced it (and also have things confirmed IRL, too, I think) can really get it, that's true.

    I'm so happy you are moving forward with the Project, Jen. That makes me beam. :)

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  9. Oooooh, freaky. Look at when it shows I posted that comment up there: October 11, 2011 11:11 AM

    *grin* I love that kind of shit, lol.

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  10. 1. What Daisy and Karin said.
    2. Hi Boss. I hear you're an awesome guy!
    3. I'd like to see the credentials of those who get to decide what's a real relationship and what isn't... YOU decide that for yourself. The world is not the same place it was 5 years ago, ten years ago... My grandmother has been seeing someone who's birth name she doesn't know. FOR THREE YEARS. I bet he knows more about my actual grandmother than any of us. The same sorts of people who must put things in one bucket or another remind me of same-sex marriage debaters "marriage is about procreation" "relationships are about physicality" What about couples on deployment? Couples in which one is facing long term jail time? Deportation? Couples who have chosen not to be physical- due to psychology, medical reason, or simply choice? It's nobody's place to TELL you what kind of relationship you have but yours. Take that ownership back. Define your own damned relationship. Nurture it, love it, and defend it, it's been very good for you.
    4. Karin and her numbers, HA!
    5. You didn't fail, dork. Your objective was to become more comfortable being by yourself, you succeeded better than anyone could have managed. Carry on and keep calm. We love you.

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